yesterday was slightly better mthan the day mbefore
but whe you realize
when yo;u equal ie
whcen you feel better
ITS REALLY FUCKING BETTER
-
:nd\\\
:d
:d:d:d:D
Monday, December 31, 2007
Saturday, December 29, 2007
SSRI DS entry one
We're looking at: halflife of 1.5 days or 36 hours
so internet expert says times it by 5 for it to get it out of your brain and body and liver and um spleen or something
i type like this because i am i feel manic
okay so basically it's that i against my doctors wishes decided to taper off my celexa meds because her theory is that it can't hurt!! to be on it the rest of my goddamned life!!!!! and my theory is PBBTH that.
she says that in the past year i've had several relapses into depression/anxiety and i say well yes let's see, my son was born and i had PPD... my mother died... so did my uncle. my grandfather was in the hospital for much of 2007... NO SHIT I'VE FELT DEPRESSED
but the idea is
i have TOOLS now
um
to deal with depression: i know it's temporary and won't last forever and
to deal with anxiety: " and also tools like breathing, perspective, outside, photography reading sharing talking. and ativan heh. if needed.
our internet guy who says the website to SAFELY STOP TAKING CRAZY MEDS says oh yeah i already wrote about that above. the 5 times thing. well he also says to track your symptoms, and about.com or something mentions SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome and I'm certainly experiencing part of that. let's see:
2 nights ago i started taking the smaller of half of half a tablet (plus one whole one still) [my dosage was 30mg/day which is one and one-half tablet] and i had been taking the larger (pill splitter is not exact splittage in half) one for since perhaps, saturday the 22nd. or so? today being the 29th of course. anyway i started to feel some familiar weirdness yesterday, but last night i -really- started to feel it especially the anxiety part of it and went to bed at 9:30 for reals after putting drew down and accidentally falling asleep somewhere after 8:30pm.
marty 'let' me sleep in and i had already been having disturbingsomewhat dreams but i still ended up sleeping (for escape i think) until almost noon! too much sleep, definitely.
then i had 2 cups of 'starbucks' (home) coffee which i'm sure didn't help. plus i had coffeee last night too. maybe also being somewhat constipated hasn't been helping, either. it's a good thing i'm off work until january 2nd. hahahahahahah. ug.
it feels like my neck is vibrating
differetn parts of the day today
my hands felt like they were vibrating while i was driving and i'm fairly sure it wasn't the steering wheel what was vibrating.
internet dude mentions 'brain shakes' and i guess i can sort of relate not that i want to entirely.
i felt anxious right after we got to lougheed mall with marty drew joey it was not a good place for me to be
i was really cold up at sfu letting the fish 'go' but it was also just really cold up there.
joey drew and marty all say they're going to help me through this and i know dad will too because we had a good long frank discussion about it weeks ago just me and him one night. about being on meds if you don't NEED to be on meds and etc etc. etc.
hey guess what my horoscope says for today!
Having a concrete plan makes you feel better, but it still may be difficult to turn your ideas into action. Don't be hard on yourself if you cannot yet get the traction you need. You know that the best ideas take time to develop. Remember that you are caught between your optimism and the obstacles you now face. Be patient; it could take another month for things to really take off, once Mars turns direct on January 30.
By Rick Levine
Saturday, December 29, 2007
how come it's sometimes right? heh heh heh
yes definite bodily shakings. well at least it feels so, inside. slightly nauseous. no headache atm!! but worries about loss of vision or affected vision. because i've got problems with depth perception and more than usual worries or problems with using correct vocabulary. i'm also talking really fast and typing really fast. my eyes are really wide? or feel like they are.
tonight is the henshaw gathering which i WAS so excited about but now not so sure i'm that excited although i am going,,, just because i feel this way and driving is kind of scary and at least i have my ativan but going with drew and me and noone else is ... i'll have to suck it up which i am somewhat partly confident i can do. heh.
so internet expert says times it by 5 for it to get it out of your brain and body and liver and um spleen or something
i type like this because i am i feel manic
okay so basically it's that i against my doctors wishes decided to taper off my celexa meds because her theory is that it can't hurt!! to be on it the rest of my goddamned life!!!!! and my theory is PBBTH that.
she says that in the past year i've had several relapses into depression/anxiety and i say well yes let's see, my son was born and i had PPD... my mother died... so did my uncle. my grandfather was in the hospital for much of 2007... NO SHIT I'VE FELT DEPRESSED
but the idea is
i have TOOLS now
um
to deal with depression: i know it's temporary and won't last forever and
to deal with anxiety: " and also tools like breathing, perspective, outside, photography reading sharing talking. and ativan heh. if needed.
our internet guy who says the website to SAFELY STOP TAKING CRAZY MEDS says oh yeah i already wrote about that above. the 5 times thing. well he also says to track your symptoms, and about.com or something mentions SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome and I'm certainly experiencing part of that. let's see:
2 nights ago i started taking the smaller of half of half a tablet (plus one whole one still) [my dosage was 30mg/day which is one and one-half tablet] and i had been taking the larger (pill splitter is not exact splittage in half) one for since perhaps, saturday the 22nd. or so? today being the 29th of course. anyway i started to feel some familiar weirdness yesterday, but last night i -really- started to feel it especially the anxiety part of it and went to bed at 9:30 for reals after putting drew down and accidentally falling asleep somewhere after 8:30pm.
marty 'let' me sleep in and i had already been having disturbingsomewhat dreams but i still ended up sleeping (for escape i think) until almost noon! too much sleep, definitely.
then i had 2 cups of 'starbucks' (home) coffee which i'm sure didn't help. plus i had coffeee last night too. maybe also being somewhat constipated hasn't been helping, either. it's a good thing i'm off work until january 2nd. hahahahahahah. ug.
it feels like my neck is vibrating
differetn parts of the day today
my hands felt like they were vibrating while i was driving and i'm fairly sure it wasn't the steering wheel what was vibrating.
internet dude mentions 'brain shakes' and i guess i can sort of relate not that i want to entirely.
i felt anxious right after we got to lougheed mall with marty drew joey it was not a good place for me to be
i was really cold up at sfu letting the fish 'go' but it was also just really cold up there.
joey drew and marty all say they're going to help me through this and i know dad will too because we had a good long frank discussion about it weeks ago just me and him one night. about being on meds if you don't NEED to be on meds and etc etc. etc.
hey guess what my horoscope says for today!
Having a concrete plan makes you feel better, but it still may be difficult to turn your ideas into action. Don't be hard on yourself if you cannot yet get the traction you need. You know that the best ideas take time to develop. Remember that you are caught between your optimism and the obstacles you now face. Be patient; it could take another month for things to really take off, once Mars turns direct on January 30.
By Rick Levine
Saturday, December 29, 2007
how come it's sometimes right? heh heh heh
yes definite bodily shakings. well at least it feels so, inside. slightly nauseous. no headache atm!! but worries about loss of vision or affected vision. because i've got problems with depth perception and more than usual worries or problems with using correct vocabulary. i'm also talking really fast and typing really fast. my eyes are really wide? or feel like they are.
tonight is the henshaw gathering which i WAS so excited about but now not so sure i'm that excited although i am going,,, just because i feel this way and driving is kind of scary and at least i have my ativan but going with drew and me and noone else is ... i'll have to suck it up which i am somewhat partly confident i can do. heh.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
side-by-side
to be truthful (truthi?) most of my 'journaling' ends up as overly-personal posts on babycenter (working mommies june 2006), with the rest trickling cryptically into facebook.
and my yahoo blog is not cutting it anymore.
so there's your explanation, if you really needed it.
right now i am squinting at everything because i took my contacts out, and my glasses are still 'broken' (missing an eensie screw so the lens has popped out). no mattah, as drew's asleep in my bed (my idea) and all i intend to need to squint at is the computer monitor, an 'in touch' magazine, and my book secrets from the vinyl cafe.
got up this morning all a-grog. had an out-of-body shower and drove to work. some wet snow still on car. was late/not late, and dr. s was waiting at the door to the clinic upon my arrival. turns out he didn't have his keys and had come in for, like, 7:30am heh (started today at 8:30).
worked. was nice to be the only one on. we never fell behind, and i got an hour long lunch break (wendy's jbc combo because i felt like it).
work'd work'd work'd. talked with marty briefly. went against the rules and visited bbc and fb. answered 'you bet' each time someone asked me if i had a good christmas (seven hundred fifty). it mostly rained, but some snow was included in there. reminisced along with 24 hours on the year's top news stories and photographs.
drove home, stopping at the dizziness-inducing diagonal-aisle'd superstore for three heavy and awkward items (milk, tp, milk). rest of drive home was a breeze. once i got in, immed. boiled water for neo citran and more for dinner: KD with some celery and tomato chopped up and thrown in. turned out tasty! drew still didn't eat it, though.
drew was a sweetheart and spent time sitting/laying with me on the couch. we played potato head on the floor, and cars. big news of the day: i cut part of his thumb off (dad says was just skin; i say his thumb looks flat on top now) clipping his nails. why the hell did i use the BIG nail clippers?? laziness. i paid, and so did drew :( from bbc:
So I bawled this evening because I clipped Drew's thumb while cutting his nails. Blood welled up and he cried, but only for a minute or so. I think he ate the piece of skin when he stuck his thumb in his mouth. I called Dad to come upstairs, and lost it when he did - I feel so bad for hurting my baby! Drew was fine, but started crying again because I was. It was hard to stop.
Forget it, I'm never cutting his nails again!! :(
at 7:30pm i took gave drew a bottle, snuggled on the couch, then took him up to my bed. i'm glad he eventually fell asleep, because i sure did quickly! woke up just after 9pm and after hooking up the monitor, here i am.
compelling, i know. such is my life.
i will say this, however: after 5 days off, going back to work felt crappy. i've really enjoyed this time off with drew and my family. i miss him so much when i'm at work; i feel guilty doing anything w/o him after i'm home (gym etc). maybe this is another push toward me being a SAHM once i reach maternity leave after the wedding. maybe i'll go crazy again at home. maybe it won't matter, because sfu might let me into their pdp program 'once i have enough money'. now we're into futuretalk, and i could go on, but i shan't.
because i just said "shan't".
and my yahoo blog is not cutting it anymore.
so there's your explanation, if you really needed it.
right now i am squinting at everything because i took my contacts out, and my glasses are still 'broken' (missing an eensie screw so the lens has popped out). no mattah, as drew's asleep in my bed (my idea) and all i intend to need to squint at is the computer monitor, an 'in touch' magazine, and my book secrets from the vinyl cafe.
got up this morning all a-grog. had an out-of-body shower and drove to work. some wet snow still on car. was late/not late, and dr. s was waiting at the door to the clinic upon my arrival. turns out he didn't have his keys and had come in for, like, 7:30am heh (started today at 8:30).
worked. was nice to be the only one on. we never fell behind, and i got an hour long lunch break (wendy's jbc combo because i felt like it).
work'd work'd work'd. talked with marty briefly. went against the rules and visited bbc and fb. answered 'you bet' each time someone asked me if i had a good christmas (seven hundred fifty). it mostly rained, but some snow was included in there. reminisced along with 24 hours on the year's top news stories and photographs.
drove home, stopping at the dizziness-inducing diagonal-aisle'd superstore for three heavy and awkward items (milk, tp, milk). rest of drive home was a breeze. once i got in, immed. boiled water for neo citran and more for dinner: KD with some celery and tomato chopped up and thrown in. turned out tasty! drew still didn't eat it, though.
drew was a sweetheart and spent time sitting/laying with me on the couch. we played potato head on the floor, and cars. big news of the day: i cut part of his thumb off (dad says was just skin; i say his thumb looks flat on top now) clipping his nails. why the hell did i use the BIG nail clippers?? laziness. i paid, and so did drew :( from bbc:
So I bawled this evening because I clipped Drew's thumb while cutting his nails. Blood welled up and he cried, but only for a minute or so. I think he ate the piece of skin when he stuck his thumb in his mouth. I called Dad to come upstairs, and lost it when he did - I feel so bad for hurting my baby! Drew was fine, but started crying again because I was. It was hard to stop.
Forget it, I'm never cutting his nails again!! :(
at 7:30pm i took gave drew a bottle, snuggled on the couch, then took him up to my bed. i'm glad he eventually fell asleep, because i sure did quickly! woke up just after 9pm and after hooking up the monitor, here i am.
compelling, i know. such is my life.
i will say this, however: after 5 days off, going back to work felt crappy. i've really enjoyed this time off with drew and my family. i miss him so much when i'm at work; i feel guilty doing anything w/o him after i'm home (gym etc). maybe this is another push toward me being a SAHM once i reach maternity leave after the wedding. maybe i'll go crazy again at home. maybe it won't matter, because sfu might let me into their pdp program 'once i have enough money'. now we're into futuretalk, and i could go on, but i shan't.
because i just said "shan't".
Sunday, December 23, 2007
family, what is it good for, absolutely noth--... wait.
just a quick note now.
dad's being a dink.
he had quit smoking for something like 2.5 weeks. then he bought a six-pack friday night and started again. and he's in that... i've been drinking all day and then had a nap and i'm still drunk but bitchy mood. and he's babysitting drew tonight, heh. and he keeps going on about a sex party. i know he's trying to bug me. WAY TO GO DAD, IT'S WORKING.
i don't really care
as long as i can get out.
note: it's not at all like it used to be, back when i was, subordinate, i guess. but i'll never try and overtake his power - why would i? - in this family structure. i'll just let it slide, as usual, and forgive my human father for being human.
dad's being a dink.
he had quit smoking for something like 2.5 weeks. then he bought a six-pack friday night and started again. and he's in that... i've been drinking all day and then had a nap and i'm still drunk but bitchy mood. and he's babysitting drew tonight, heh. and he keeps going on about a sex party. i know he's trying to bug me. WAY TO GO DAD, IT'S WORKING.
i don't really care
as long as i can get out.
note: it's not at all like it used to be, back when i was, subordinate, i guess. but i'll never try and overtake his power - why would i? - in this family structure. i'll just let it slide, as usual, and forgive my human father for being human.
come in my cave
dreams fuck me up, what can i say.
if the dream hits during my nighttime sleep, it colours my entire day.
a daytime nap dream, while it only spins my head for the remainder of the day, is often much more, ah, sensuality-oriented. which fucks me up to the nth degree more than a regular, emotional dream.
and then what do i do?
it has led to drastic turns down routes of possible-no-return. let's be blunt, i've almost blown apart my relationship thanks to a dream.
so no, i'm not so drastic anymore. especially as i am about to be married. believe it or not, in this day and age, i am taking the vow of commitment seriously. but then, i'm not getting married in a church.
anyway.
maybe dreams aren't the only thing wrong tonight. let me tell it like it is:
his defence? he 'didn't mean to'. he was 'trying to get my attention'.
yea buddy, the bracelet flying at my face had my attention.
i told him i couldn't believe he would show our son it's okay to hit me. i went upstairs. he came up and i told him to please leave, i didn't want to see him. please leave, i don't want to see you.
20 minutes plus some indignation (me) later... i accepted his apology on the grounds he make it up to me. i didn't specify how (would you agree that i don't have to?).
lunch
he leaves, off to do some last-minute shopping w/ steve and celia. me and drew nap. me and drew wake up and play. marty comes home, gift-laden (for other people). that's okay, i didn't specify material to make it up to me...
... but he 'ran out of time'. 'didn't get a chance to'. okay, so wine for so-and-so or gift for whoever was more important? sure. but you were at a friggen mall. i guess i understand they have nothing there that would suit your purpose... cough. god, i'm trying to avoid turning this into the years-long flower debacle.
All This To Say
nap-time dreams put the icing on the proverbial fucking cake of how i feel right now. yes/no, muse does/not help. regardless.
and off we's supposed to go, to steve/jamie's, all a-dressed up, for 'poker' (read: guitar hero). and drinking -- ahh, drinking -- how you help me.
marty's out right now, getting (hopefully non-chinese) food. and i light-heartedlier than i expected, threatened him outright if he didn't come back with something to 'make it up to me'.
if he screws this up, he'll pay.
if the dream hits during my nighttime sleep, it colours my entire day.
a daytime nap dream, while it only spins my head for the remainder of the day, is often much more, ah, sensuality-oriented. which fucks me up to the nth degree more than a regular, emotional dream.
and then what do i do?
it has led to drastic turns down routes of possible-no-return. let's be blunt, i've almost blown apart my relationship thanks to a dream.
so no, i'm not so drastic anymore. especially as i am about to be married. believe it or not, in this day and age, i am taking the vow of commitment seriously. but then, i'm not getting married in a church.
anyway.
maybe dreams aren't the only thing wrong tonight. let me tell it like it is:
- we were lightheartedly bitchy toward each other this morning, as we are on many a sunday (shared day off after 5 days of opposing work schedules), which bothers me slightly
- drew was in marty's arms, i was sitting next to them. drew took off marty's stone bracelet and pulled his arm back, as if to launch it at me
- i interrupted whatever it was marty was saying to stop this sequence of events from happening (my forehead still feeling raw from the cell-phone-incident on tuesday evening).
- marty didn't listen.
- i raised my voice (yes, yelling)
- drew threw the bracelet at my face; i deflected it with my hand
- then, marty hit me. hard enough to hurt. on my shoulder.
his defence? he 'didn't mean to'. he was 'trying to get my attention'.
yea buddy, the bracelet flying at my face had my attention.
i told him i couldn't believe he would show our son it's okay to hit me. i went upstairs. he came up and i told him to please leave, i didn't want to see him. please leave, i don't want to see you.
20 minutes plus some indignation (me) later... i accepted his apology on the grounds he make it up to me. i didn't specify how (would you agree that i don't have to?).
lunch
he leaves, off to do some last-minute shopping w/ steve and celia. me and drew nap. me and drew wake up and play. marty comes home, gift-laden (for other people). that's okay, i didn't specify material to make it up to me...
... but he 'ran out of time'. 'didn't get a chance to'. okay, so wine for so-and-so or gift for whoever was more important? sure. but you were at a friggen mall. i guess i understand they have nothing there that would suit your purpose... cough. god, i'm trying to avoid turning this into the years-long flower debacle.
All This To Say
nap-time dreams put the icing on the proverbial fucking cake of how i feel right now. yes/no, muse does/not help. regardless.
and off we's supposed to go, to steve/jamie's, all a-dressed up, for 'poker' (read: guitar hero). and drinking -- ahh, drinking -- how you help me.
marty's out right now, getting (hopefully non-chinese) food. and i light-heartedlier than i expected, threatened him outright if he didn't come back with something to 'make it up to me'.
if he screws this up, he'll pay.
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