Well, honestly, what's the point of a blog if I only report the GOOD, and leave out everything else? A FARCE THAT'S WHAT

So, in that spirit, here's some boring old honesty (but I'll write it in a here's-what-happened-to-me-today way, rather than stating my emotions outright):
This morning, I weaseled my way into sleeping in a bit, during which I had a horrible dream. Marty got me up, I crammed breakfast into my face, and we took Drew to his field trip - gymnastics. I drank my coffee on the way. We didn't stay to watch (Marty: "We paid a lot of money for this free time!"), instead, we drove to nearby IKEA where we woke Leila up by putting her carseat on a shopping cart. We stopped at the 'bistro' (? or is that the upstairs restaurant) where Marty ate 2 hotdogs and a cinnamon bun (happy breakfast!) and I got a coffee, which we shared. We checked out the AS IS section, and finding nothing really there for our (poor-ass) purposes, went to look at textiles. I think the long curtains we want for the living room are $49 (but why does $29 stick in my head?). Then we quickly shot upstairs to check out computer desks. I found a soon-to-be-discontinued basic one for $69, and Marty liked it. We didn't buy anything today, but it was good to get that scouting out of the way before our actual trip on Friday. We were a bit late picking up Drew. On the way home, Marty and I were ha-ha-annoying each other. At home, Marty laid on the floor, with his right shoulder in a lot of pain. I massaged it, gave him some robaxacet, and we sat on the floor as a family. I started to feel really down really quickly. Marty got ready for work with Drew (playing the MOMMY IS A DRAGON game). When he left, I cried a little bit.

It's raining now, after many days of sunshine. Marty said he wanted to keep in touch with me today, and he said many nice things before heading out the door. Shortly after, he texted me I LOVE YOU :) Just seems like it's going to be a looooooooong day today.

I fed Leila, ate some healthier-than-usual lunch myself. Got Drew some food. Then I bounced Leila down, as her morning nap had been very short. She took a long time to calm down and fall asleep. She woke up when I put her down in our bed. I find I am getting less and less patient with that routine. I look forward to her being in her crib but I know it's going to be a painful process to get her in there (or down anywhere at all without nursing her down). I still don't like thinking about how it was with Drew, way back in 2007!

So here I am, Marty just began work 41 minutes ago (sigh) and I told myself I am going to:
- finish cleaning the bathrooms (partway done upstairs one)
- go to step 1/2 at 5:30 (even promised Drew we'd do this)
- mail my EI medical form (and Ange's cheque)

But all I wanna do is play cards, I mean, sleep. Hide. Find something quickly to make me feel better instantly. Unfortunately, the only thing that comes to mind is chocolate - and as of last night, I'm fresh out.

So there it is. Boring, way-too-detailed honesty. Going to rest on the couch now, while L naps and D watches another cartoon. Blaaaaaaaaaah.

what about the good?

Well, let's see!
New medication regime is working!
X-rays of L ankle and lower back came out normal (but are still being sent to a rheumatologist)
I love my house, our new home. It's so ours, sometimes I just revel in it.
Dr C signed my form today, so we may not be fucked just quite yet =)
I! went! to! the! gym! tonight!!! With both kids in the childcare! AND I DIDN'T GET INTERRUPTED!!! Group Power, and even though I was late, I'm sooper happy that I went. Mmm, feeling good about oneself!

I love my kids. They're so adorable and smart, and are interacting more and more each day!

M'LIFE IS GOOD!

sue far

10:57am
dishwasher done
swept small balcony
wiped rail of same balcony (what, did prev tenant not even go out there the entire 30+ years she was here? i mean HULLO HUGE DUSTDIRT!)
tried to upload some photos to fb but page keeps breaking
took out my chore binder, checked today (in 2007..hrh), after i checked BHB and cuz it's saturday, there was no posting. yeap

bbl, i hope!

smiling

Today was a good. Day. ! 

Marty's Sunday. I'm still attempting to overcome this disgusting mucouscold, so I enjoyed my little nap on the couch, in the sun (side note - HULLO SPRING HOW R U? ARRIVING A LITTLE EARLY, AREN'T WE? OH EL NINO AY, SURE OKAY). Then I continued the nap, upstairs, with Leiler. Oh how I love that baby. 

Marty woke me up when it was time for me to leave for my doctor's appointment. I had a lovely drive down there, totally different from my commute last week to BC Women's Hospital! I still didn't see any Colbert posters ;\

I actually arrived nearly a half-hour early, so I spent some time with Sam Roberts in the car, drinking my coffee and texting =p Took a good look up & down Broadway before heading into the building. Read an issue of Canadian Geographic while I was waiting, and was introduced to the career of Fluvial Geomorphologist! Neat. 

Dr. Chen is referring me to a Rheumatologist for my joint pain, and I had some x-rays done upstairs, of my lower back, and my left ankle. The x-ray Tech mentioned some Scoliosis in my lower spine, which I may or may not have been aware of. 

Had a nice drive back home. When I arrived, however, I found out Dan was going to be coming over to our place for dinner, so we weren't going to drive out to Cloverdale. I was a bit disappointed; I had been looking forward to visiting out there. Would have been refreshing, kwim?

Ah well. Had a lovely pasta dinner (thanks for the cheese and bread, Dan!), and I cleaned up the kitchen and took out the garbage/recycling afterward. Now I'm enjoying my time on the couch here, with Dan messing with his iPhone, Marty guitaring, Drew eating cheese & watching cartoons, and Leila sleeping (hopefully for the night). 

I allowed myself to explore the feelings I was having while driving, of missing my old job at the clinic and how it might feel to re-enter that whole job. Not that they even have anything available for me, but until now, I had knee-jerkedly refused to consider it without a bitter taste in my mouth. Perhaps it was that I was in the neighbourhood, but later, as I sat in the x-ray clinic waiting room, I felt a real longing for the day-to-day administrative (okay, secretarial) duties I had! Labels... Files... Printing... Hee. I will note: I never disliked any of that. So. I emailed Katie, just saying hi, as well as letting her know about the x-ray stuff above. 

I've already announced on Facebook (may not have been a great idea, but at the time, I felt desperate (and hopeless)) that I'm looking for employment, so she (and others there, come to think of it) likely already knows. For me, the biggest downer is really finding (and paying for) daycare for the kids. The logistics... Guess this is what happens when you don't have an Oncoe Joe around to be the manny! ;|

Last thing - Marty is grumpy due to allergies, so I'm getting onto my high horse and stepping over the negativity and am going to help him in any way I can. Noble, yes, but also much better for both of us, in the long run! 

mantras

Family first.
Perspective.
Moving forward.

2 things, immediately:

i. I feel like a fool.
ii. I will do anything for my family.

Hopefully, this means I can keep my nose above water instead of drowning. Hopefully, this means I can cultivate and maintain a sense of hope.
Let's say it's the end of the day, which it is. Let's highlight three positive things I can hold on to, as I (laugh) try and get to sleep tonight:
- Normalcy is good.
- $90 tomorrow (on top of last EI pmt)
- Marty is wonderful.

a partial list

Accomplishe
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Saturday, February 6, 2010
12:10pm
Dishwasher is running (1ier time!)
2 $1.00 houseplants bought last night dead-headed and re-potted, watered, on balcony
(L nap) (D play outside w/ neighbour)
M: 3 days left on vacation, incl today. Is vaccuuming out car, after tidying it. Wow!

4pm
just back from family walk to check out local corner store (got milk, tp, and a tube of candies). met TRAVIS(35) w/ 3 kids: 2 boys, 6.5 and 3.5, and a daughter, 17mos. Met ROYD? or sth.
marty ran robot while we were out.
i made grilled cheeses for lunnch, with cut up carrots
and sliced up an apple for Leila

gonna make sum chili without chili powder, onions, or green pepper, haah

MEAT WITH BEANS AND SOME TOMATOS ENJOY


what else?
watered the seeds-in-dirt in my greenhouse<3
swept kitchen floor
wiped down as much counter as i could before Leiler woke up

marty bathed the kids together

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Sunday, February 7, 2010
4:59pm
Inspector Gadget is just ending. Joe and Dad are here. L is down for nap #2. Drew is lazing on floor. Dinner (roast) in oven. Marty doing ... something? ... in kitchen.

Got up, Marty requested if I'm gonna sleep, I should sleep on the couch so he can talk to me, hehe. Got up at 11-something. Shreddies, coffee. Lazed around on this lazy day (relaxy) until BEWM, remembered I said I'd go to the gym today. So I got ready and went. Did 10min superlyptical, various machines and some GroupPower-like work with the bar, and ten more minutes on the s'lyptic machine. Was awesome becaUSE i actually had my earphones for once so I had music of my choice!

o

to the, to my - world.