my late-nite chai tea

walking over to the couch, from the kitchen, and my extra-full teacup just might lose a little of that delicious, redeemy liquid over the lip, so i stick my (cold, leftover) pancake underneath like an absorbent coaster 8)

Psalm 15 (NIV)

A psalm of David.

1 LORD, who may dwell in your sanctuary?
Who may live on your holy hill?
2 He whose walk is blameless
and who does what is righteous,
who speaks the truth from his heart

3 and has no slander on his tongue,
who does his neighbor no wrong
and casts no slur on his fellowman,

4 who despises a vile man
but honors those who fear the LORD,
who keeps his oath
even when it hurts,

5 who lends his money without usury
and does not accept a bribe against the innocent.
He who does these things
will never be shaken.

mo money, mo problems

that is to say, NO ONE HAS ANY MONEY RIGHT NOW! you know it's sad but true.
me & marty: PO
joe: PO
dad: PO

and we're all just revolving around one another, moths flying out of our wallets.

it's depressing. it's temporary, but i acknowledge the crubby feeling.

hopefully, this helps.

adding:

• it is raining today.
• i feel like going to the mall. or ikea. someplace consumerish. which is hilarious, as we have no money right now.
• i just don't want to go home feeling like i've got my tail between my legs. 
• LIFT UP, SPIRIT! raise your eyes and focus away from yourself! cease to curl inward!

@vibrato

CHEERS for wireless at the cafe

JEERS for chairs that expose my legs-above-socks-when-i-sit.

Just finished June's book club. Just wanted to sit for a few before I head home. Hesitant because I promised Marty he'd have the rest of the day/night to do his work and whatever else. And even though he has the next 2 days off as well, I feel he's going to focus on his stuff, and I - let's be honest here  - won't get enough time off. Time out. By myself. WITH myself. Uninterrupted. Reading time. THINKING time. Praying time.
You know.

Bah. And feeling this un-enthusiasm for going home is making me feel cruddy in a larger manner. Okay, Heather, take what you learned in church this morning and apply it to your situation. 

Take my anxiety, my complaints, my stress, my ... unwillingness, Lord. 

Give it away to Him, Heather.

Let it go.

... not sure if it's working.

--

Today, we focused on joy, on celebration. And during the service, I was smiling! During the music, I was singing! I was raising my hands to Jesus! I was feelin' it! 

I want to keep feeling it! 

WhinyLeiler sez

bub bub VUB VUB VUBVUBVUBVVV da yaaaa aaaaa aa aaaaa

my blog post titles are all like 'wow' and 'dude'

anyway

this nut (um, Christianity) is harder to crack than i thought. but is suppose hours and days and weeks and months (years, too?) melting away while reading, meditating, and talking about it does not constitute wasted time.

journey heather, journey. not about the destination (or is it?? THERE'S A LOT OF INFO OUT THERE)

Happy birthday, Drew!

wow.
he's 4 years old today. 4 YEARS OLD! i can't believe it, yet it feels right, it makes sense. he's so big. so ... sophisticated! so FUNNY and loving and full of joie de vivre. ahhh.

4 years ago our lives changed =) the doctor asked marty, 'so daddy, is it a girl or a boy?' and this little stream of urine shot straight up - 'guess it's a boy!'

so much love for my bear. such a crazy busy last few days, so not much time to contemplate his birthday yet. we just gave him Carolyn's quilt - it's amazing and he's so super smiley! we're saving the other part of the gift for his birthday party on saturday.

Drewbears. I love you. Thank you for being my son, my light, my friend. Smooches.

Out Enjoying Myself

yuss, here i sit at starbucks, with a sammich and STARBUCKS DOUBLESHOT ON ICE thanks to b to the e-v! 8)

i'm at the location by costco on north side port coquitlam, by the pitt river bridge. going back to some beginner's study mats (yep i just said 'mats', check my awesomenizz) to sort of absorb more of the bible. it feels good, and right, and good.

puh puh puh poker face puh puh poker face

i guess that's all i wanted to say at this time. oh, and to note: i love that starbuckses provide Safe, Comfortable places for me where i can relax and be myself. i'm just sayin' - sure can't do that just anywhere. :]


ps - Pitt River floodplain marshes, grasses, and alders. i smile at these things.

feeling bad

sorry for myself, really

felt a comment on my poor memory and/or poor planning skills, as i still haven't invited our neighbours over for a meal. it's not that i don't want to, and believe me, i feel awful that i still haven't done it. but our house is way too messy for company, and it's even worse this morning because i haven't done enough and the morning mess as i slept some more.

and then there's the mission groups, and how, where did i quote this? how what comes out of my mouth sounds nothing like what is in my mind or heart. it sounds awkward and stunted and ineloquent. when we had a little discussion time in church this morning and when i meant to talk about how i find little moments throughout the day to reflect and worship, it came out sounding like i was complaining about my kids interrupting "me time". it'd be one thing if i was just being so around marty, but this was with two other members of our congregation. and no matter how much i babbled, i feel like i wasn't able to save any face.

anyway about the mission groups, i asked, and from what i gathered there's a pre-group thing or something, and i'll get a document, but 'we're baptists' and no further information about that even though i want some (why can't i just ask? see how disappointed i am in myself!) and that led into a number of mentions about our meal together.

so here i am, feeling: awkward, sorry for myself, disappointed in myself, left behind, and all of this is upon my usual reflective mood after church (which, on its own, i'm not unsatisfied with).



note: photo circle was cancelled so i think it's a good opportunity for me to escape escape escape with that starbucks card bev gave me.

just because i can

hee

now i'm updating my blog from my bed, where L snoozes beside me =) oop, shouldn't type too loud, eh? heeh

joe is over, doing laundry. it's been a wonnnnnnnderfullllllllll day! may or may not use my STARBUCKS CARD (thx Bev!!!!!!) tonight, or tomorrow!

the cottonwood spores are such that this is must be what it's like to live underwater.

updating my blog from outside =)

thanks to marty for replacing our wireless router a few weeks ago! =)

what abeautiful day (as you can see, hehe). D and Leia are playing 'lotion' again, and some kids are out playing hockey and riding in a wagon. Marty is inside, playing guitar, and Leila is asnooze. Poor thing, Marty and I were making fun of her being so forlorn in her chair even though she was surrounded by pancakes, and when Marty picked her up, she fell right asleep in his arms, haha. She woke up at 6 this morning, and I got up with her about 7.

SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was a loooooooooooooooooong week. But is over now. AHHHH. Today would call for a barbecue if we had one!

This morning, I felt a little un-directed because the weekly study guides are only for weekdays. So, after Leila refused to let me finish The Measure of a Man, I was leafing through that free bible that got plunked down on my doorstep shortly after moving here. But Leila was trying to rip it out of my hands after a few minutes :[

That's when we went upstairs and got Marty up.

And now, I'm just trying to focus on the moment, the here and the now: gentle breeze, bright sun, kids playing. And a cup of coffee, of course ;)

waves of mercy; waves of grace

everywhere i look, i see your face!

boy howdy has it been some whiles since i have had THIS problem: i slept most of the day away! tonight is marty's last night shift ("forever!") and after I got him up at 11:20am, i laid in bed "just until coffee's ready". next thing i know, he's bringing in a sleeping Leila and next thing i know after that, it's 1:30pm!!!

brb - gotta put an insolent boy to bed

2 minutes later: i'm back, he's eating a bedtime snack :p

anyway i was shocked i had slept so long. i felt very guilty but marty said "i could have woken you up". so off he went, getting ready for work. i had promised him last night that i would make him a kickass meal to take with him to work, and i TOTES didn't do that! augh augh augh, said i.

well, to salvage the day (grab it by the horns, per se), i got going on today's study sheet (so much for fasting from TV, sigh). we listened to some worship songs on youtube, and then we went outside to play. Leila surprised me, being happy to stay put on her big truck while I got the laundry started (am ashamed i had to let it get to a point where M had to express how angry it makes him when it sits in the washer, getting smellier by the day), and cleaned up the entranceway (tidy; sweep; mop)!

neighbours were out playing soccer (first day of the World Cup today!), and Drew was content to zip around them on his little bike and

[k rly bedtime for bears now brb]

8:30pm, and i'm back. boy, when you first walk downstairs from putting the kids to bed, and you survey the mess in the entire house... overwhelming. i told myself i'd finish my cup of coffee before i dive in to tidying the living room, cleaning up after dinner, and doing moremoremore laundry. on with the story for now.

i pushed Leila around on her truck, and chatted a bit with neighbours. Drew made his first 'lotion' of the season, with Leia (Laya? Lea? Leighagh?), and I refereed them ("sharing!"). Then i came inside to make dinner, while trying to keep L happy in her chair. I made a roasted vegetable pasta salad, and it was very good. Drew just ate the noodles (and L too, now that I think of it - evidence: floor), which is a victory in itself. we wound down with a phone call from daddy, some breastfeeding (L), and some Toopy & Binoo (D).

So L was down at 7:30. She had had just the one nap, though it was a lengthy one. I'm obviously hoping both stay asleep until morn'. i plan not to squander this kidfree time (though, as someone once said, 'if you're doing something you enjoy, it isn't wasted time')!

i shall close with: my inconsistency with capitals at the beginning of sentences and with 'I/i' is bothering me. Also (because i recently read about it in Eats, Shoots & Leaves), i really need to standardize my use of apostrophes and quotation marks!!

snippets, from here and there

just made myself a cup of tea to sit down with, now that the kids are in bed. feeling pretty chuffed (is that the right usage of the term?!) that neither are asleep in my bed (yet).

yesterday, while out, [_________i seem to have forgotten this_____________].

:\

A New Photo Blog Post

Camp Hope, 2010

It rained, but goodness, it's beautiful.

Camp Hope is about 15minutes from the town of Hope itself.

'Garden Chapel' =)

Some of the cabins (we stayed in the lodge, though)

Utility trailers with cloud-cloaked mountains behind

SPY KITS!

From the inside, out.

Her "cheese" face :D

:)

TerdAy

Not so sure about going to the gym, as Leila is Miss SUPER Attached To Mommy lately. I guess trying couldn't hurt ay. Considering I'm not even going for a class, just the superllyptical.

My right foot hurts.

3:43pm and I've spot-cleaned about half the living room carpet. Gonna steam-clean it this week. Also did some wiping of tables n stuff. Not all of them done though. Listening to BEP. Think I'm ok with taking ativan for the boredom ha.

U really think Mohammed got a problem with Jehovah?

SRSLY RIGHT??? Gotta ask of this.

Forgot maybe yesterday to mention I changed our sheets n pillow cases. I also set up a play date for Drew & Rowan (for tomorrow - AT HER HOUSE hahahahahahah).

MARTY (finally FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!) GOT A PROMOTION! Heeee he says it's about 4k more a year, and now he doesn't want to go for the course-then-van-guy job. We thought we could maybe live on that salary while I go to school or sth, but now he says he yeah, doesn't want to do that job. This is more in the direction he wanted. Which is great, srsly, cool, I'm open to change for our future course, ... I AM. This morn he was like u&courses still hezr and I was like rly I'm rly more concerned about our singular income so ...
All to say, we shall tock of this down the soon road. Can't believe Leila's letting me type all this. MARTY GOT THE USB CORD FOR ME YEEEEEEEEE

Welp gotta go. Tock laters.

Alright

Documenting the first of June.

• Ran a job search; maybe a semi-sketchy environmental consultant position off CL worth looking into. 
• Extracted some comforting quotes from my SIMPLICITY planner and wrote them out on post-it notes; stuck onto board.
• Unloaded dishwasher; reloaded it
• Washed plastic, pots, & pans by hand
• Made Marty a pizza for dinner (and burned my right bicep in the process) to take along with him to work.
• Also made him a sandwich. 
• This was after making him and Drew mushroom soup & grilled cheese for lunch.
• Did some weights & abs at home; also lunges and some running-in-place
• Took the kids out to Deer Lake Park. Was given a brochure about the paddle boat rentals. Walked around the lake (3.71km!) with Leila in the green stroller, and Drew walking maddeningly slow behind me. Took some photos with the Nikon (WHERE IS THAT FREAKING USB CABLE???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
• Ate veggies and fruit and cottage cheese with the kids at home. Drew went down early as punishment for not eating all of his (there was lengthy discussion beforehand). 
• Folded & put away the laundry on our bed and floor, in our bedroom. 
• Took the upstairs bathroom recycling down into the kitchen.
• Watered the deck plants and the petunias on my balcony.
• Watched a fuckload of United States of Tara last night and all day today (and tonight) :]

Took allllll my vits today. And some metamucil (FIBRE!!) in the evening.

Right now, it is raining outside and I just love, love, love the sound. And the whole idea of it. Peaceful right now... Leila's in her crib, I've documented the day, wearing comfortable clothing, got some amount of shiz done, doo doo... I would like to have story & picture blog posts up soon.