sad is..

Your knitting needle snaps, and you're too poor to replace it, so your husband "fixes it" using a pencil sharpener.

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stupid september depression!

always so predictable. and i hate, hate!! tasting the starbucks protein plattahs of 2 years ago. and the distaste, the REPULSION, of coffee!


stupid bcp. stupid us not (EVAR IT SEEMS) making any appointments. STUPID LAZY PROCRASTINATING HEATHER.


to sum it up: STUPID ME
so much :(




agh


my pharmaceutical defenses are minimal, at BEST. 
so, after four PLUS hours of inability to know what could make me feel better, what makes me feel better?


i want to KNIT. resume my projects. 
READ. something endeepening, like Timothy Findley's Not Wanted on the Voyage.
(GROSS: I was chewing something I assumed to be a bit of lip skin, but it wasn't. It was like a fuzz from my sweater or something. Yes, it could have been worse, but the EUGHHH at it not being what I assumed it was is, initially, the same.)
Perhaps outdoorsy, like, exercise. [excuses: my stupid gut stupid stomach so upset last few days, stupid stupid stupid shit]


sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh. how can a four-letter word (with ridiculous SILENT G) possibly accurately express how i feel right now? ha.


I WILL SAY THUS: i didn't so much 'sit with it' as merely had no freeeeeeeeeking clue what to do, so i layed about in the presence of my family, and o'er time, began to feel bits better. 
i hope this keeps going up. 


what else?

stasus

Less depressed than yesterday. Could have to do with block activity outside, and bbq later. And is martys fri.

Now both kuds napping, rare! so i try n snooze too.

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feeling waaaay too much like two years ago

A thought crosses my mind: maybe only a job could save me.

But then, the answer is almost always 'time'.

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ahahahahah IT BEGINS

"turn your blog into a book!" 


hahahahahahahah
take THAT, world!

I HAVE FINALLY HAD IT

with this awful sour-laundry smell. IT IS ON MY HANDS, NOW.


hence: je cave and je buy GAIN beef suet sheets to smother my family with allergenic chemicals.

that face, with an upside-down nail clipping mouth... like a carved pumpkin.

today is day two of re-marvelonation. i shall use it as an excuse for how awful i feel right now. today. yesterday.


i've grown tired of this body
a cumbersome and heavy body


i'm feeling crap about, in particular, my big lack (not the table) of housewifely/SAHM house-cleanliness. order. tidyness. uhh.


the list i made of change to make
it blew away


my head hurts. i [still] just wanna lie on my stomach, on the floor. but i have what should be a very useful appointment with my therapist at 3, and i have no childcare, so with the kids in there with me, i doubt i will divulge what i [hope i] would otherwise share. confess. maaaahahahaah.


no change can happen. i feel like this. i feel stuck with my own destruction, brought upon solely by me.


and this is why i have decided
to pull these old white sheets from my head
lah lah emphasizing a very important LINE last night
lah lah lah creating a zebra with a permanent marker
lah lah suddenly, as B Capt, feeling i no longer simply exist amongst my neighbours, but have a target on my back (the survivor-leader syndrome? haa)


you don't need tricks
and you don't need me


d called me fat this morning, but he eventually took it back and reassigned the insult to a lego guy.
right.


focusing on the negative? immersing? dwelling? why not look up, look ahead, look around you, and think instead of the good things? that have happened since last visit. that happen every day.


wallow wallow. my son is calling me back from my 'blog break'.

mehhh

I'd like to bring the incidence of threatened violence in my family down to zero.

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at s-bux

Just underscoring my experience that cynicism is rampant in the workplace.

I reckon because it's so easy.

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put clearly

It's really just a case of being interrupted. The other choice is to refrain from starting anything at all. Those are my bad days.

Causality?

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hahaha

There's something to be said for my artistic style.
Haha, like what?!

:)

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my life, in the middle of a street

L is down for a surprise early nap; not sure how long it'll last.
D is outside w/ N, un-adult-supervised AFAIK, but i resolutely sit inside, listening to the baby monitor.
M left for work not 45 minutes ago.

The days are indeed blending together; that is no longer in question. What I wonder now is whether that's dangerous or not.

I felt good early yesterday; optimistic. We went out to the library to beat the heat, and it went really well.

Sheesh - my problem isn't that I have any problems, it's my attitude regarding the circumstances of my life and the tasks associated with. And my attitude can change in a second - not that it does (I doubt I'm bipolar).

Ahh, just another blog in the 'sphere, chronicling things that don't matter in the grand scheme; problems that aren't problems at all.

i want

but will probably not have


hardwood flooring in my co-op townhouse. i don't even really care how it looks, i just want this carpet outta here! wood-looking laminate is fine by me, too!

my want is made greater by my immediate neighbours reportedly putting in laminate in their unit. maybe i should report them :( sth sth about after living here a certain amt of years, you wouldn't have to restore it back to the way the floor was when you moved in.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. such honest, yearny woe, eh!

BOOBS

Boobs

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heard on cbc radio one just now

'tentacular'

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fuckr

asshole fuckpage MALFORMED SECURITY`d my blog post. SCREW YOU, MAN!

taxes, dishes, paper extraction and filing, marty tidy living room, i clean litter box and do laundry.

yeap.

of course by the time my netbook loads up and chrome opens and i get to my homepage, i've forgotten what i wanted to blog about.

ah.

"the days are becoming indistinguishable from one another."

ok, here

2 or so nights ago, I cleaned the upper bathroom thoroughly.

Been plugging away at laundry, incl the new cloth diapers.

Marty organized Leila's room.

Joe helped me put together the fabric frame yesterday.

Oh, and marty rearranged some living room / dining room pieces.
This included my cleaning of the fish tank.

I wiped down the top of the washing machine.

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some Firsts for my daughter

Climbing down the stairs without falling
imitating melodies she hears
splashing her hands around in the toilet

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mes motivation sont zero

but still
mais ...

• dishwasher unloaded; reloaded; running
• kitchen mostly swept
• living room tidied (thx, kids!)
• fresh coffee made (heh)
• face washed (when will i get a chance to shower?? soooo greasy from last night's exercise)

R is headed over in less than an hour for a playdate with D. Hope to update later, with additions to ma liste. 

air quality advisory? ohh.

yeah, i made a supersmrt decision last night to run up the stairypathway already.

and, of course, because i make this decision without thinking...

i got to gaglardi, ran a bit up the hill, then felt GROSS DUDE. i realized i had been running on a bellyful of hot dogs & cinnamon bun. ugh. i felt so sicky sick gross, but didn't want to mope back home just yet. so i thumped down the hill a bit, then walked. all the way to the start of forest grove drive.
i enjoyed listening to my music, though!

anyway. got confirmation this morning that indeed, the sun has been pink/orange this week, due to the smoke drifting out from the 400+ forest fires in the province. hence the air quality advisory. now i get a new/better excuse to spend time indoors and exercise at the gym instead of outside :p

on another note, i saw scott pilgrim volume 1 at the mall bookstore yesterday for $14.sth.