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it's just too dang easy. that's why you get the crap of the crop, instead of da creme o da crop.
copyright, 2010, heather laurabushious hraaahahaxel.

sitting upstairs after the kids 'r in bed, and at first was 'mister bright side' in my head because it was on the radio and i, for some reason, listened to it, but then it was 'stupid girl' by, um, garbage, and, yeah, it felt like... i was singing to myself.

i can't put this all blame on him, that's just using evasive techniquios. problem is, i'd have to talk to a professional about this. no, under higher magnification, problem IS i'd have to SAY THE WORDS OUT LOUD and i've never done that before never done that before
shudder at that very thought.

how do you like, describe in minute (ugh) detail your problem when the problem you have disgusts you? like, even USING YOUR MOUTH TO SAY THE WORDS THAT DESCRIBE IT? verbs, adjectives, nouns... ugh, all disgusting, all make my throat close up in a cat-cough kinda way. choking on dust. MY OWN DUST.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW is not even an ew-enough word to describe the feeling.

et puis, just like K'NAAN, i'll have to go back, i'll have to go back, i'll have to go...
How Long Has This Been Going On, Heather?
SINCE I WAS A CHILD
Why, Heather?
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG FUCKOFF I DON'T KNOW

When Did You First Believe You Weren't Like, You Know?
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUCKOFF NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS crap i know you're just trying to help me, but you are job is that to help people, so you probably get this a lot! FUCKOFF

DYA THINK THEY'RE RELATED HEATHER?
DYA FUCKIN THINK, THERAPING PERSON???????????????????????????????????

and if so
SO FUCKING WHAT

here's what i want:
- a month long (at least) stay in a tropical spa-like retreat for disgusting fuckwads like me (um, free of course)
- AWESOME MEDICATIONS that make me feel like SUPERME and ACTUALLY REALLY SRSLY TAKE MY ANXIETY AWAY BUT MAYBE NOT MY MEMORY MK THAT'S STILL A LITTLE DISuhhhhh SCARY MK
- this to NOT leak out to the gen. pub. because it's GROSS and i have such little face i feel, if i lose any more i'll just not exist in my friends' minds.
- righteous, solid, heartfelt support by qualified CBT/etc persons that goes on for the rest of my life. but when i'm doing that, it has to feel like i'm DOING SOMETHING AWESOMEFUN like canoeing
- a rewrite of the bible that doesn't consider me GOING TO FUCKING HELL for being WHO I AM
- oh, and while we're at it: WORLD PEACE, PLEASE.


so there we go. concise, precise, isn't that nice.

may have found the answer why

to make the outside match how the inside feels.

the flight attendant asked if we wanted nuts & bolts, "i mean, bits & bites". i was like, NUTS YEAAH

what point this is, is that blog seems more preservationist than twitter or, as we WELL KNOW, facebook.

Drew has buyer's remorse (funny, i paid for the item) about some novelty erasers he just got. He's saying he wishes he got the one with the poop. But in the store, my son was more mature than me, saying "ewww" rather than "BAHAHAHAH POOP".

I so love the sunlit glint of the far-off seagull, wheeling against the black storm clouds. I like to think the same thing would be happening, back before we Euro-trash (semi-ha) cleared the forests for roads. Imagine the silence, imagine the noise.

Imagine the nose.

"There is no way this juice is seven dollars."

I said, I said to walmart.

I need a fill.

I braded (haha) my hair for this occasion.

I need a cut, minus one.

My head is killing me. Terrible, awful nightmares of terrorists, headaches, non-sleeping toddlers, and other stuff that's thankfully slipping away. Oh yeah. The feminist soldier was on both Letterman and Conan in one night, before the terrorists cut her into chunks. My pastor asked me to speak at the 7-11 about how this event has impacted me, my world view. It was also the day France changed colours: from red to green.

SMELLY DIAPERS GET IN THE WAY OF MY CREATIVE EXPLUSION!

my head hurts and i am sweaty

and i'm not even on the plane yet!

ahh, packing: down to the wire. this is how i roll, baby. txt`ing marty to come home from work early was met with texty silence. wondering htf i'm gonna get anything done with this grounds ctte meeting this evening. i doubt it'll be short, which would normally delight me, but EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE stuff to do! children to bathe! laundry! dishes! robot-cleanies! cameratic devices to charge! gifts to wrap! in theory. why does my caps lock keep turning itself on? heh.

me n Drew just learned how saltines are made (yaaaay, youtube!). pretty cool, but not as neat as at milhouse's dad's cracker factory. sigh. why can't real life ever be that cool?
hehe

this may be my last entry before our trip. heartbreaking, ay!

this shit needs to be fruitier, like, sourer.

the halloween candy, that is

lol marty thought my typing was pop rocks. because of the nails, you see.
souciant. souciante?

totes high right now. is high a cool enough word? i'm trying to be cool. hahaha. WELL THEN I GUESS I'M JUST A BIG LAME.

stoned?
decided since t-minus 2 days til i enter a giant metal machine that somehow FLIES THROUGH THE AIR and usually doesn't crash, that i'd take my doctor's recommendation and pop 2 clonazepams just to see how it does me in.

what i don't like is the crispy spot at the centre of my vision, but that may have been from concentrating for too long on a very close, very small space. but that is beside the point, and we shall not discuss that here. no now, anyway.

a-a-a-all i need is a chicken wire and a chicken feed and a p p p p policy for a  new found land fertility HA
babaa dadada do do do, HE COUNTRY.
get gone from a dirty town, EVERYBODY NOW

see, the problem with these mini tootsie roll pops is that they're just too mini. not enough spherical mass to pack as fruity a punch as i'd like. my daughter eats them, crunches them (like gollum) in 20 seconds.

i took david sedaris back to the library today. no, not because i didn't want him, but because i had finished with him, and it was his time. now i need to get my meatpaws on 'certainty' by madeleine... thiebhb something. book club, doncha know.

if i type this all really fast, it'll be the most accuratest to my real thoughts, right? HRM?

i miss sean macleay. i was always so proud to be his BFF. but now i'm like his AF. aquaintance forev. mahh. so, you say, heather, put this energy into writing him a note or sth, and then REBUILD but i think the kids thing ahhh, makes a space btw us that i duno how to smash, without smashing my kids, that is.

9:17 and all's well...

this feels like the end. whatever it was i thought i was supposed to write about tonight is either already on the page, now, or gone the way of nearly every other coherent thought in my head. i just wish i could find the leak, so i could put a jar over it, and tape it to my head, to catch this stuff that has always made me Heather but now i've leaked most of that out so i'm just usually Mom.

not that there's anything wrong with that.

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o, before i forget

my first experience with clonazepam (0.5mg): more subtle than "equiv" (1mg) of lorazepam, slower on the uptake, i think. less blurriness or slurriness. however, a strong sense of LOVE for things and people, hahah. ecstasy, anyone? hrrrrrrrrrrr.

kinda slower wearing off, with a sleepy taper. hints of a sleepish headache, but that could also be the too-much-caffeine-today.

i'll have to try 1mg before thursday (teh flight). and, with the nearly-constant anxiety i've been experiencing this week, finding an opportunity SHOULDNA BE A PROB!

the gloss wearing off my gels

[i sez to myself i sez, 'exactly where is this blog COMPELLING?'] but gotta be tru to myself so:

• planted those darn bulbs (tx for the 'help', D & L)
• got rakes out for the kids, then when they lost interest (and when Leila lost interest in clinging to me), raked leaves from street & parking spots. eventually neighbours pitched in, too :)
• actually set a date!! for us to have dinner & discussion w/ C&B (at their place!)!
• finished Drew's haircut (hahahahahahaha)
• robotted living room
• CLEANED TUB OUT woh and
• bathed both kids.
• hand-washed urvry dish and even cleaned countartops
• picked out clothes to wear to apply at LDB tmrw morn (we shall see if has any effect on wrinkliness of shirt)
• um, fed & watered cat. 2 loads laundry (but no folding - woops). 
• continued to experience hot & cold flashes while zoloft---->cymbalta (day 5 woop woop)
• i dunno, some other stuff i'm sure is lifechanging. 

harrrrrrrrrr.

yes so now you see my goings-to-bees are: knit de bag. eat a few halloween chocolates. maybe, if i'm feeling zesty, read more Sedaris. or zone out on the web. a ha ha ha ha ha. and then sleep. 

peace out, yo.

GORDO IS GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

November 3 is now officially a province-wide DAY OF CELEBRATION! The pompous ASSHOLE that tore my post-secondary dreams from my hands (and thus, my CAREER) has resigned from being premier!

O HAPPY DAY!

Not that this fixes anything, really... The BC Libs are still gonna come up with some "liberal" d-bag (read: extreme conservative) for the next election, which they will probably win, and I really honestly don't see anyone fixing post-secondary in this province, but, still, today?

IT'S DANCEY-DANCE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i miss my blog.

it is pretty, or has the potential to be, and and inside, i can express myself in a way that no other medium available to me can satisty.

filth and rectangles

Etoh is broken :(

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