I have to go there again

Even if I hate my body

I have to keep trying I can't give up and just let my life pass me by and miss out on this

No way
It's too strong

Hank why won't you help me
You're a conduit
You're a safety
Help me, please

Just as I'm thinking, "all clear on the fecal front"

This morn I find blood in my stool :(

The rain falling outside probably helps.

Would you say, here at the close of Day 10 of 28, that you feel refreshed and ready to begin again in 8 short hours ?

Well, I wouldn't say I'm not entirely unrefreshed.

Fuck this shit

Can I stand waiting til Dec 1 to give my notice?

Superfood Wednesday??

My ass!

Watch out

My hormones!

ahh, effin crushes

run yer course,
run yer course.




:|

quote-licious day today!

Me, about cleaning the living room: "I'm going clockwise, Marty."

Him, on the couch, snoozing: "What?!"

Cleaning

"Is that an oat, or a tooth?"
"Either way, it's on the floor now."

Ass Log

Yup.

Welcome to my diarrhea blog!

FUCKING DIARRHEA.

i want to be a villager!

WITH A GOAT

AND A CHICKEN


AND like a bunch of mud to muck about in, as if i'm being productive.
WITH GRASS GROWING
AROUND THE FENCEPOSTS

I WILL CELEBRATE AND SPREAD THE WORD OF THE LORD WHILE MAKING GOAT CHEESE. AND I WILL HAVE AN ALPACA AND SHEAR HER AND CALL HER SOMETHING AND MAKE WOOL AND SELL THAT TOO. And there will be much rejoicing.


I have $5000, is that enough to start up??

Maniacal whistling

As we ease (laf) into a routine of both parents working, different hours, with both kids in school at least part of the day, extracurricular activities, childcare, and such...

The state of our house is horrific. It matches the uncoiling (were our brains coiled to begin with) of our minds as we launch (shuffle) into Week 2 of Our New Age.

Just. Breathe.

BANANER

A lor if thongs to do

And I dont want ti do any of them, wah. Just back from StrSt w L. I need to: pick up L a princess dress, prep dinner roast/slow cooker, clean kitchen, pick up D after school, bqthe both kids, drop em off at neighbours', shower, then work 5:25-10pm at I.

Eff im so tired n its so coldrainy outside n im so sick of my stupid stomach sicklyness.

Maybe it's cuz marty is working dt now. Went from him being main guy 99.8% of the time to the way it is now.

Dunnozzzzzzz.

MY FUCKING ARSE

Must I be defined by it (diarrhea, etc)? It shall be on my tombstone!

Other peoples' kids

That misbehave overtly / refuse to listen give me anxiety attacks. Their rage makes me rage. Vicious cycle heh.

mental diorrhama

i'm trying hard not to turn into my father or my mother, my parents, really. but it's difficult to resist.

example: i come home from work, even a measly 4.25h shift, and all i want to do is change into sweats and recline in front of the tv or computer.

but there are children to parent! house to clean! dinner to prepare, to be shared with neighbours! o ne o ny, i'm so very tired all of the time.

so much that it doesn't qualify as news, and hasn't in many years.



ooouugghh.

LET'S DANCE FUCK

i wanna put on
my my my my my boogie shoes!

It was.

A long. Day. Today.
7:30-4, split deli&fe.
But actually long cuz M chose not to sleep last night, which worried me all day. And I didn't have my bank card or $  or my phone (M was fixing it).
But, I made it, n came home, n we made it to bedtime together as a family. Just wanted to note that. :)

12:30-9

Thing is, it feels like that is your whole day. And rather than accomplishing things beforehand, I rest because thatis going to be a long day in my feet.

Good enough excuse? :/

Panic sleep

No good

Because my day is worth recording.

Went to SS w L. It was good, found out another mom there has taken bio of invert! Tho, she graduated.

Was tttired when hone, so M took L up to ethos where he was helping.

I went to my first BodyStep class, despite instructor Angela asking if I'm pregnant!! Managed a good workout anyway. Realized/decided I need to change my dietary habits.

@home, made chicken strips served w raw veggies. Then bathed kids independently. Started & folded & put away some laundry. Put kiddos to bed, then cleaned toilet quickly n showered. Folded n put away more laundry, ate sum raisin bran, n here I am in bed (w L, that nappy-earlier-noo), ready to start counting calories again tomorrow.

Oh, and I clipped the kids' nails. Woohoo!

Hiding

From as much responsibility as I can

The changing of the seasons.

Light, leaves, temperature, eventual precipitation. I want to try & find it in our budget to get one of those SAD lights, asap. An improved mommy is an improved family, right?

And WHAT WAS WITH my knitting project (scarf) being partly buried under the crib mattress we inexplicably still have??

Gym, shower, ofg awards

So why the nausea?

In the warm dry forest

Fuck this phone

Come to me, drugs.

Squinty at you

I want an iphone because I saw how fast my coworker typed on hers.

Today: 7:30-4pm (half deli/half fe). Home was tired durr snoozed on chair, couch, n then bed. Awake at 9p to put kids to sleep. Work tmrw 8h again, fe 2:15-11:15pm.

Dat rite

Weurd

I ate a cheeseburger (marty-made) at 11:30am. All I had between then & 9:30pm was a chocolate bar and one nectarine.

FUCKEN CRAMPS

lemme tell ya

something i need to keep in mind

from Michelle Obama's speech at the Democratic National Convention this past week - she's talking about her family, growing up, and her parents:

They didn’t begrudge anyone else’s success or care that others had much more than they did ... in fact, they admired it.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS TMI

My crotch is gurgling.

"I'm trying to arrange a trip to LA"

That's great n all, & I need the hours, but go fuck yourself.

2 things

1. Horrible flash of depression on drive to work this morning
2. BCGEU is on a one-day strike. I'll admit I'm jealous of their wages, just like I envy save-on employees' wages 'cause they're so much higher than mine.

I am falling asleep and

And it is freezing in there
And I like didn't check my email for like the entire summer
Ans my typing on tgjd phone is getting worse
And I xan feel tge sugar in my coffee rotting away my teeth and my large intestine, simultaneously.

Day sth of vary meny

12:30-9 deli. Was much good! Felt team-like. Closing was good cuz eve was slow! Now to zzz for tmrw, I start 4 days if ecebc.

Note

Waking up in panic lately. Don't like it.

That's a bad smell.

Double-flusher here! Oy.

Yesterday was mt day off. I have been wasting my non-work time lately, and as such, accomplished as much as my shitty back would take yesterday.
Oh wait, I DID blog abt this last night! Oh well. I wanted to add that I also bathed the grimy kids. Poor L & her unhappy skin on her legs; the hello kitty bandaids irritated sth awful :(

I hope they all have a good day today.

Fuck, I stink. Wish this had hit me last night instead of at work today. One immodium left after this here dose, then all I got is some questionable pepto tabs... gross.

Accomplish mental!

Both washrooms!
Some dishes!
Vacccuum living room!
Sort/prepare D's school supplies!

Yay :)

Also wrnt shopped mg, filled meds, n went to potluck ("mg") @ common tiim!

Hooray for finally not wasting a rare day off!

I love pooping!

Effin revisionist history dreams

I tell you, I've had enough of these involved reimaginings of my adolescent years.

O and

I'm still bleeding. 8 day period? ...

Gut

Why do I have to be so stressed about everything

Just starts with L crying, result of her stubborn 3-year-oldness. So I try and fix the situation but end up with diarrhea anyway. Then it seems like every little thing, every interaction whether it be between me and kids or me and marty just adds more cramping.

Fleh - a combination of 'bleh' and 'fuck'.

I had a shower

And now I feel 0.1% better. It was a self-loathing shower.

Is the only reason I want C&S to find God so I (we) can have more in common with them (again)?

Saturday

I worked at I. Good shift but stressful ending w a mistake I made w a customer (who was super awesome about it), and overall stressful cashout (even other cw's said). So I bought a 6-pack of 1516 on the way home. Me n M split it, had sess, had a good night :) I love M

Sun.

We lazed in morning. Didn't go to church :| I got dropped off at Mommykea. Worked til 7, fine shift. Not as stressful as last night. M n I engaged in, like, u know.. afterward.

K

Yesterday (mon) watered frontal plants, moaned that I'm tired of hearing abt everyone's vacations & camping while I just have to work all the time.

Then M said we should take kids & tj to white pine beach before I work, so we did :D M comforted me on way there, abt him feeling 'encouraged' to get a job etc.

Lake was niiiice. I swam n played w kids. Snacked n laid in sun. Wasn't rushed or stressful. Left for work w plenty of time.

Changed from bathing suit (n shorts) at tims. Worked deli, good shift, finished in time tx to I's help! She was training D. M n kids picked so tired & headached (sun, hormones, etc) me up and after a big bowl of cinnamon toast crunch, pretty much passed out on the couch.

A Mood So Terrible, The World Has Never Seen

Woke up after nightmares of spiders. Still waiting for period. So very, very grumpy. Headache is back.

More on Thurs 9th

Felt crappysad once at wrk but after abt 20 min, voila, perked up! Rest of shift was fine, energy good n high spirit! So day wasn't so bad after all :)

Friday the 10th

Got up & went to Dr appt. Had an unexpected talk abt perspective & basically, being thankful. Refilled my A prescript n made appt for 2 weeks. In theory gonna up my a/d by 30mg/day.

Cept when I got home, found that I actually have NO COVERAGE thru PS cuz is only for f/t employees! Ahh the confusion keeps getting messier. Talked to Lne abt possible 'solution' to my sched conflicts.

Vaccuumed & steamcleaned the front stairs & living room. No more L pee smell for me! I'm impressed I managed to get that all done, and a shower, and even a little nap, before work!

Worked 5:45-10 at I and it was good indeed. Came home to settlers players at my house. Price-matched a flyer and clipped a coupon. Read my book (A history of the world in 100 objects) before bed.

O monday

Was holiday. Worked both jobs. Not much else. H8 the fe at ps, at least, solid till shifts. I don't have it in me.

Few days

Lessee. Today's Thursday? I did not much 'cept reddit before work (2-8 ps fe), tho I did update my schedule in our g calendar.
Feelin sad abt schedule conflicts. Feelin again that this isn't sustainable for me. Expressed to M his working could alleviate that but mostly he was playing pokemon w kids.

Yesterday, I got up w L at her request n decided to make French toast! Mmm. Neither kid wanted any, of course. Let M sleep in. Hung outside w neighbours. Pushed L around on her bike while D, clad in pads, practiced on his scooter! M was grumpy tho so I suggested he go out for some time alone.
Unfortunately I got stomach ache and asked him to come home few hrs later :(

I didn't even make the stir-fry I had planned to, or get any housework done. After kids in bed, we had a tiny sess n watched breaking bad.

Day b4 that was tues - I went to a gym class finally! Power. Was good. Sore wed n today oy! Worked 5-9 n comforted a cw abt her upcoming first pap. Good deli shift. Earlier in day was just chill outside w neighbours n kids.

Alrite, time to go in now n piss everyone off by rto'ing my overlaps. Sigh.

Satursay

Got up requested coffee. Out of bed at 1041 iirc. Fairly lazed; had to reddit n fb on netbook as laptop is flying in the sky between here and Ontario.

Neighbours were holding another yard sale. Super hot out. Instead of going to gym :( I just shat the shot w them. Bought Royd's aquarium n some of Kathleen's sister's Christmas lights. Got anxious grumpy at inescapable heat so had a shwr them quick nap then I for work 5-9.
Good shift rly liking ppl there.

Bought cold beer (m-approved) on way home. Kids still up but whatev it'd so hot so no prob. In fact, l is on couch n d is on chair cuz is do much hotter here upstairs. 3 beers, no more.

And good evening and good night :)

Today

Got up 9ish. Was lothe to put clothes on. Wasn't rly hungry but ate miniwheats ne way. Drank lots of water for u/s but had 3 poos so I took some immodium. Went outside bit w kids. Started d/w. Laundry and hung outside as much I could. Watered deck plants. Went to u/s, quick but still... is my uterus supposed to look like that? Dr c will have results "after the long weekend". After, shipped laptop to ON for repair (hopefully under warranty), picked up few groceries n shared lumberjack sammuch w m.

Felt tired/yucky so snoozed on chair b4 wrk. Felt nauseous going in bit trucked thru it (I). Came home, m was watching "a serious man" n finished that w him, then we watched breaking bad. Now, sleep. :)

Yestersat

Worked 9-5. Home, snuggled w marty then showered n went to my board meeting. After, picked up kids from Beth's (m had gone to hockey) , they were pretty nuts. Eventually calmed down w me in the chair. Was just abt to take em into my bed (Ira's so vary tired) when m came in. We sorta shared bedtime then he came into bed. Said he was rly depressed :( "I give up."

tried to talk w him, soothe, etc n recommended he get in contact w steve. He msgd him but no response, so he just read on his phone while I fell asleep.

Wernsder

Got up n went to wrk @ecebc w toast n coffay tks to Marty. Filed nails down on a break. Wrkd til 5, being sleepy from 4-on. Drove home n w busy kids, m & I tried to get sum rest in, but 10min later his alarm went off for mission-potluck. O but I was so tired and apparently, so was L so we napped while m & D & TWO BLUEBERRY PIES M MADE FROM SCRATCH TODAY joined ppl at the lower park. Didn't stay too long cuz D needed bathroom. @ home I hesitantly got up in time for m to go to settlers. Kids mc vids then read/play time then bed, late for D but early for L. While spending too much time in b-room :( heard strange found that eventually figured out was fireworks from downtown :)

Downstairs, uploaded recent pics/vids and L still couldn't sleep so I put her in chair. M came home n took her to our bed where she is squishing me out as I write this :/

Um yesterday

... woke up 10:30ish, ate bfast n made coffee. We had a ph call w William our CCS guy. He was so soothing :) we've of off $14,000 of our consumer debt, n only have 8 grand to go! I felt super happy news! M felt unchanged, harg.

Then I CLEANED THE KIYCHEN! Wow was so needed n so much wrk but so amazing!! Good music makes it so more enjoyable, ne?

Then I shwrd. And walked to work (ps) w BEAUTIFUL MUSIC! Weay.

Worked 4-10 fe. Felt up, down, then focussing on $14k n our financial plans per wrkshp at camp hope. Felt up again :) lasted all shift yay!

Walked home w freezies n box o cereal for my spoiled kids :p

After stretch, ............. [i'll get back to u; sleep is taking me.]

Terday

Got up, gathered some food, n drove to yas' work. Well, got a coffee from Bons? On Broadway first. Worked 9-4, then drove to ps for my 5-9 deli shift. Came home n let the kids crawl on me in their bed, then bade them anite. Bad times in the bathroom after, then ran a bath. Bath was delightful. Came rite to bed. Zzz.

O 'ul dtart this

Morning: nada
Work: I 10:45-6:45
Eve: I party. Home, read I new catalog. Too much I :p

4 minutes!

Crap!

Crap!

Got 14 minutes to get this poor choice/lack of planning/brother's fault lunch outta my gut before I start work.
13!
Crap!

Apparently

Ovulation pain translates to losing my mucous plug & the start of labour in a dream.

Also, 2 burger king meals over a year old, kept hot (...) in my fridge, from hanging out w/ Sean, that I share with Marty.

Poopin in the Hope DQ

Yeap.

Observation

Anti-histamines make my poo all weird.

Small yet accomplished accomplishments

Yesterday, I watered the houseplants.

Tonight, I scrubbed the upstairs toilet and emptied the garbage in that bathroom.

Nit bad for a cramp/heavy flow day that I worked 7 hours.

Question.

Was I this lazy when we just had Drew, when I was home after work/on the weekends? :(

Another effin terrible sleep

If there's one thing sunday morning sunrun training has taught me, it's that I am NOT a morning runner.

Ps - snowing, again, seriously??

day 4 low-carb

CHEF SALAD FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i would tell you

that i just ate a lot of protein. in form of: CHICKEN!@ fancy styles (for me) that i made. and a whole lotta stir fried (but un-sauced) veggies. HOO BOEH.

ima little sleepy now.

today, day 03 of LO-CARBONATING, the morning i was like NOOOOOO DUN WANNA MAKE SHIT but waah i made myself scrambled eggs using skim milk (blech!) and some cheese, lotsa cheese. protein n fat. it's kinda weird to 'choose' so much fat, and protein, too. this is kinda exactly the opposite of my regular diet heh. and then for lunch i was like oh wait backtrack a bit hezr

i took DrEw to school w LeIlA and since i had brung my coffee w me and had already eaten breakfast (but had not washed my face, sadsak) i suggested StrongStart to Leila. that was pleasant. we left before snack, cuz i missed my phone ;( which was charging at home.

i felt a post-coffee crash, stronger than i have in the past 2 days, so when i got home and had the opportunity, i had an apple and buncha water and laid down on the couch, whereupon i rested for the next whiles.

and then i spose my lunch was the whole wheat english muffin with butter and a bit no-added-sugar jam.

and then i had a handful or 2 of almonds, and they were pretty good!

and then i got up, feeling much better i suppose. so i made dinner. and ate it. and now L is asleep in the chair, D is eating his dinner-substitute and talking loudly about everything, and daddy's looking at his phone while waiting for the canucks' second intermission to end.

and i'm going to go to a grocery store to pick up the rest o the groceries i need for this week. and lalalalala. alright then.

back in the ussr

day 02 of lo-carb.
all-bran for breakfast w skim milk and a banana cut up.
hay i need carbs cuz ima exercise today k

lunch is leftover salmon n peas from dinner last nite. srs i hope we don't waste food on this diet. fffuuuu. CMON MARTY EAT UR PORTION and all the other portions that i don't eat!

WHAT IS THERE TO DO BESIDES DRINK WATER?

Lent is beginning

more of that in a minute.

so day one of low-carb. afternoon was tough, struggling with hunger or cravings or post-coffee or regular afternoon crash. m was working upstairs all day, esp after yesterday when we focused only on D being sick and i was out doing errands. now it's 8:37pm and i had a dinner, indeed i couldn't even finish my whole piece of salmon, but a few min later i felt hungry/cravy again.

jus wan a big bowl a shreddies, with homo milk n brown sugar.
and a chocolate-dipped granola bar.

but instead, i will have... almonds?

should probably ease off the water, which isn't a regular thing i say, but been peeing like a race horse today cuz i've been constantly drinking. don't wanna be up all nite if i don't have to be, ya know.


tomorrow morn is me&moms, so i'm thinking instead of scheduled scrambled eggs i'll just have a bowl of ... urgg... ALL BRAN before i go up to ethos. and to bring for snack? apple? hrmm.

DAY 1 DAY 1 DAY 1
let's FF to DAY 7 so i can see some results HUMM?


i'll stick to this. i'll stick to this. I WILL STICK TO THIS.



oh, about Lent-
if i'm giving up skyrim spose tonight's my last night to play it til Sunday, no biggie, haven't played in some days, but i still think about it a lot. i want to start tomorrow off right, kwim? so yeah. no skyrim. no um... i dunno, last year i did post-kid-bedtime-no-tv i think. i think it went okay?
basically
not wasting time after kids in bed but giving that time to the Lord thru immersion in His Word, or catching up on sermons, or commentaries, the like. and could like, help people too.

FOR LENT
I WILL GIVE UP... BEING UNEMPLOYED. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

day one of low carb

meal one: spinach frittata and some bacon.

hard to make in the morning ._. but managed to do it anyway, cuz i wasn't in a rush to go anywhere.
kitchen wasn't clean so i cleaned as i went.
was actually supposed to be zucchini but we didn't have any so i used wednesday's recipe instead.

i had what turns out to be half a serving of the fritatta, and i'm already stuffed! also had 3 slices of thick-sliced bacon )o_o(

heh. here's hoping i can stick to this, and here's hoping it works!! i sure would like increased energy, lowered cravings for sweets, increased clairty and to lose a bunch of weight! ;)

He's not coming back up

This anxiety is hell. I don't even have the energy to cry anymore. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuck I sound so neurotic. I'm so annoying. I need help. But he can't help me enough because he is dealing with his own / our own problems.

I miss my mom. Am I really to grow up and be completely self sufficient just because I got married? That's not fair. I suck.

Leila's first joke!

L: knock knock
D: who's there?
L: Drew in a teapot
D: Drew in a teapot who?
L: With a cup!

Billiant

I feel hopes and plans for Spring poking up through the soil :)

Look out, new york

I'm 41, and looking for a new bestir!

In bellingham

I can't believe I haven't had any naps today!

we had a good talk, but...

i'm going to go back to my doctor for more meds before it's my scheduled time.

having a hard time?
like, a really really hard time?
like, the hardest time you've almost ever had??

MORE meds help me get through it,
not LESS.

(and while we're on the topic, can i go back to the addictive happypills instead of these way less effective sleepyones? thanks.)

happy 31st birthday

"when are you due?? :D :D?????"

now go get yourself some vagisil.


happy frickin birthday to me.

that was the least interesting stool sample collection i've done, to date.

:\

Yea, k, this is your fault.

But to assign glory where glory's honestly due

I thank the Lord.

thankful

i am thankful for the song in my head as i laid down to go to sleep last night, i'll get back to you with the title
i am thankful for the book 'don't sweat the small stuff'
i am thankful for marty.
i am thankful for my children!
i am thankful for joanna, and the laundry i helped her with today.
i am thankful for late-nite spicy cat.
i am thankful for grey's anatomy.

How do you sleep at night?

Marty lost his job today.

Forget everything you knew about cutting tomatos!

... What?

didn't think anything of the sess

about half an hour ago, i go OH GOD MARTY! Drew starts school again in the morning! And fretfully set my alarms back on for all this week. Ahahahahahahah. 


In other news, these reg (supersalted)tostitos may have just pickled my lips. 


oh man, and then in comes the zopiclone, and i got one mini lindt-ball left in front of me! perfect! takes care nicely of the anxiety/paranoia i felt about getting up on time, doing the right things in the right order, breakfast snack oh god. it'll be okay, though. i asked marty to work with me so we'll do it together, and once Leila and i drop Drew off at school it'll be just like a normal back-to-work/school day. :)


i smile to force myself to feel optimistic about this! and tomorrow! okay!!
- notices to go home to parents
- more involvement with the pac
- can reg habit of go exercise right after with L in the eileen dailly childcare (til noon)
wow!!!


my necx is so loose today. right now. that is. i,'m looking around , head swinging, and i'm all 'dat laundry aint gettin folded tonite yawl. juss way it is.'




ask me tomorrow, i say this is a bad idea. ask me now, i think, fuck why hte fuck not? right? esp if you got some good shit done in the day, like my run! wow big! srsly. and costco rockin it. and CAPTURE THIS NOW I FEEL SOME HOPE ABOUT JOB AND BCIT AND SCHOOL AND WORK NAD HOUSEHOLD AND CRAFTS AND ETC MORE FITNESS YEAH@@@!!!!!!!!!!!!

prime noteO daily immersion in scripture and study guide, and prayer. that's the start of a good morning, prayer. usually The Lord's Prayer: Our father, who art in heaven, give us today our ........ this i shouldn't attempt right now. i have a bible out of my reach, and a post-it note next to my bed. so. i'll get back to ya on that :D


and an addendum about fitness: the monthly goal achievements lead to rewards, which will be of clothing in nature, lulu lemon, adidas, dresses, and the like. shit i deserve, becaus i will have earned, and will continue to look even better in as each workout goes by! :) :) :) 




tl;dr?


new year, new computer, new resolutions, hopfelly that's somehow math taht i will create more content for this blog. thanks for dropping by once n awhile, you our yous who do or does that :)


pease <3