What I want New Year's Eve.

Ideal: to kiss you at midnight tomorrow, outside, somewhere where we could watch the Aurora Borealis. 

But that ain't happening. 

black holes and revelations

if i, at 15, met my 34-year-old self, would i be disgusted?

does it matter?





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the little button in the corner that says "Complain to Blogger" makes me feel like laughing

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ahha poking my own OCD

I've got thick skin and an elastic heart

I thought, on the toilet, that my underwear must be on backward! Of course!

They weren't. 

Mad that I'm sad

But I hope he changes his mind. Realizes he misses me. That life is NOW. And reaches out to me. 

Or that after awhile, he does want me. 

Or... 

Fuck, I don't have anything. 

Feeling sad

Maybe it's postconcert blues or maybe it's the whole separation and being alone for the first time in my life but I feel sad I'm at work right now alone thankfully for another hour and

Had a good sobering kind of talk with Randy last night after the concert and I guess I'm a little shocked at how affected he is and was emotionally by our previous disastrous I guess encounter

He has to work through some of these guilt feelings and I think I understand what I'm looking for though is what I'm looking for today is comfort so realistically I don't have A source of that anymore so that's hitting me pretty hard today got to be strong on my own but damn man shits hard

Also

Weeded out expired vits/meds. Took glucosamine sulphate twice for joint pain!

Proud of all I got done today. 

Chart

Today. 

D to choir. L to school w dog. Dog play at field. 

See Wes (brought m'own coffee). Free cheeseburger. Checked out coast cap cred onion. Removed nail polish In McDonald's parking lot. Bought dog food and looked at aquaria at king Ed. 

Half Ativan. Half Valium (last). One Phoenix tear. 

Did buncha dishes at home, packed few boxes, dog walk play w ball. Kids to Alvin's for play date. Cooked chicken. 

Packed car, went n signed lease. Dropped stuff over at Joe's. 

Went to gym(!!!), went easy. Dina phone after hour. Home, this, zzz. Work at 6 tmrw. Hope I get the ekebeke job!!!!!

Sleeping beside me

I'm gong to miss this. 

fuck. fucky fuck fuck fuck fuck.

after i sez that

like

and got threatened divorce and left house and oh it's been the worst me-and-him-vacation-from-work week EVER.







talked to her on phone today at her request.

is hard. this non communication thing.

ima write her a letter and post it.

like
in the mail.



THIS IS HARD
HURT
HURTS

alone but l/ike how? ha ha i don't ev en.




see help: substance use i am in the system for to start first sesssion one day
see help: psychiatrist i am in the system to see him again but could be months
see help: once m gets results of word from his bloody HR dept about our exact effing coverage for counselling we will call the places that SHARE told me we could maybe find sliding scale for payment and/or if we're covered under extended.


so
there is help
i mean even without the above
i can pray
i can contact individual humans who care about me and unload to them

fuck
i can take my dog for a walk

k i gotta go now bye

I miss her

Painfully

Open up your gates cause I can't wait to see the light

Fuck

Fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK

I've reached new levels

Not gon say whether they're high or low,

In my alcoholism!

The only problem with sharing a motel room w someone is

If you're not on the same wavelength 

In Seattle for the weekend

This is not worth it. 

Have I made a mistake

Again?

I miss her. 

It's been 8 years

Can't you learn shit? Can't you celebrate me for one single day, without yourself getting in the way and ruining everything?

Hahahaha

DAY FOUR OF NOT POOPING 

started Sunday aboard (within?) a kayak 

It's been a heavy couple days

I'm gonna have a fucking aneurysm 

Or just feel really lonely

Après mg

Last night

Was the second mg since COMING OUT and the one last week, I apologized for inadvertently hurting anyone by doing so via fb. 

Herewith, my msg to Dina abt it:

"No nap but I am exhausted! Just finished mission group ... Last week I "officially " apologized to the group abt any hurt feelings I had caused by choosing to 'come out' on FB... Don't know if I mentioned last week but we decided as a group to have conversations around relationships, commitment, etc etc for the next while, at our meetings. I need to thaw after tonight's discussion. Yeah of course I feel put on the spot, but I agreed to this and even though it isn't easy I'm going to stick with it unless it becomes too much. 

Running an Epsom salt bath now - my back is killing me. 

Love you honey. Miss you tons. It's ridiculous! Feels like it's been 3 weeks since we last were together 😭😗😗😗"

I note now that I experienced heartburn after I left (and leave u did, quickly, without M, citing pee-bursties which was not untrue). I took 4 tums REFRESHERS and tummy mellowed after relaxybath. 

This morn after dropping kids at school I notice belly burn. Diff than last night but I 2 tums anyway. 

Sigh. 

hello again

haha
this morning i was getting so mad at the honey

it's a 1kg bottle of liquid honey
or at least
it WAS liquid
but somehow when it gets down to about 250mL it decides to solidify
more and more each day

so i'm squeezing this ridiculous bottle out of shape and putting all my bloody strength into it
just to get a bit on Leila's bread for her lunch for school

so when i'm done
i decide the bottle needs to stay upside-down from now on
but the nozzle won't allow for that
(or neck, whatever)

so i grab a plastic cup out of the kids' cupboard and shove the honey bottle in there

leave it on the counter

take kids to school ... come home, am moving shiz on the counter to try and re-heat some coffee (o btw my last 'to go' cup [lid is long gone too] died today, its leakiness being no longer tolerable to me) and i grab an empty bread bag and pull it and the whole honey contraption falls over

fuck it
i just stick it on the stove


time for my reheated coffee.