Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Monday, May 30, 2016
Stop.
Just stop. Feelings. Just cause you're still in contact doesn't mean any future hope exists.
Fuck. I'm out of sleep meds, so what music will distract and relax me enough to fall asleep?
Choices. And in-doing the choices. Second-guessing. This daft punk album reminds me of price changes. That's not helping. Oh, for those excuses: the graveyards that'd wreck my brain and heart. The psychosis. The 6am shifts where I couldn't think because it was too early and I was too busy anyway.
Read 76 pages of The Gum Thief.
My concern
With being friends is what if I'm not able to stop having feelings for him?
What might it be like if we hang out again? Is he gonna try for the benefits too? If he does, how will I respond? That's even more dangerous for me!
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Monday, May 23, 2016
stupid/hilarious
Stupid: missed the last stair and stubbed/bruised my big toe.
Hilarious:
Hilarious:
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i don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you
I was at the store with my grampa, picking out his groceries painstakingly slowly when Marty txt'd me that Drew felt really hot and was acting lethargic. I told him to get Drew a cool wet cloth, give him some water, and grill my brother about how much sun Drew had had today. Turns out Drew was wearing a hat and sunscreen all day, but was outside for 3+ hours and came home to a late nap. He was lethargic when he woke up. Marty gave Drew some tylenol but he still wouldn't drink water or milk, so I grabbed some pedialyte at the store and got home ASAP. Marty had the fan on and the windows open (it was the first hot day of the year here). Drew seemed sleepy. I gave him some pedialyte and he drank it while I re-wet his cloths. A few minutes later the poor guy threw up, first time since he choked on that tortilla chip about a year ago!
We watched some TV and then I put Drew to bed at 9pm, he went willingly. Marty checked on him abotu an hour later and he was sweating, so we put an oscillating fan in his room and last I checked, he had cooled off a lot. I smooched his cheek and he touched it with his hand, in his sleep ;( Poor little guy. If he's worse thru the night / in the morning I'll reschedule my facial appointment, but otherwise I think he just got too much heat today.
In other news, it turns out the character of Liberty Bell in Juno is one of our patients! Woo hoo, I'm famous-by-association! :D
Tonight: 3 slices of pizza and 3 beers after Drew went down. I'm wearing my mom's restored pearl necklace, and it makes me want to cry with sadness and beauty.
We watched some TV and then I put Drew to bed at 9pm, he went willingly. Marty checked on him abotu an hour later and he was sweating, so we put an oscillating fan in his room and last I checked, he had cooled off a lot. I smooched his cheek and he touched it with his hand, in his sleep ;( Poor little guy. If he's worse thru the night / in the morning I'll reschedule my facial appointment, but otherwise I think he just got too much heat today.
In other news, it turns out the character of Liberty Bell in Juno is one of our patients! Woo hoo, I'm famous-by-association! :D
Tonight: 3 slices of pizza and 3 beers after Drew went down. I'm wearing my mom's restored pearl necklace, and it makes me want to cry with sadness and beauty.
this spine brought to you by coca-cola
i must say, i'm feeling fewer side-effects than i thought from my sun-run-training jog last night! my lungs feel sensitive, front to back (ie. just before you get a cold), but they felt like that on/off during the week. my right hip isn't as sore as it was during the run last night. and my legs, i can move them!! hooray! car-accident-shoulder is doing good, too!
and i do admit that was the first training session i completed to... completion.
tomorrow marks 6 weeks until the Sun Run... DUN DUN DUN!!
SSRI DS entry one
We're looking at: halflife of 1.5 days or 36 hours
so internet expert says times it by 5 for it to get it out of your brain and body and liver and um spleen or something
i type like this because i am i feel manic
okay so basically it's that i against my doctors wishes decided to taper off my celexa meds because her theory is that it can't hurt!! to be on it the rest of my goddamned life!!!!! and my theory is PBBTH that.
she says that in the past year i've had several relapses into depression/anxiety and i say well yes let's see, my son was born and i had PPD... my mother died... so did my uncle. my grandfather was in the hospital for much of 2007... NO SHIT I'VE FELT DEPRESSED
but the idea is
i have TOOLS now
um
to deal with depression: i know it's temporary and won't last forever and
to deal with anxiety: " and also tools like breathing, perspective, outside, photography reading sharing talking. and ativan heh. if needed.
our internet guy who says the website to SAFELY STOP TAKING CRAZY MEDS says oh yeah i already wrote about that above. the 5 times thing. well he also says to track your symptoms, and about.com or something mentions SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome and I'm certainly experiencing part of that. let's see:
2 nights ago i started taking the smaller of half of half a tablet (plus one whole one still) [my dosage was 30mg/day which is one and one-half tablet] and i had been taking the larger (pill splitter is not exact splittage in half) one for since perhaps, saturday the 22nd. or so? today being the 29th of course. anyway i started to feel some familiar weirdness yesterday, but last night i -really- started to feel it especially the anxiety part of it and went to bed at 9:30 for reals after putting drew down and accidentally falling asleep somewhere after 8:30pm.
marty 'let' me sleep in and i had already been having disturbingsomewhat dreams but i still ended up sleeping (for escape i think) until almost noon! too much sleep, definitely.
then i had 2 cups of 'starbucks' (home) coffee which i'm sure didn't help. plus i had coffeee last night too. maybe also being somewhat constipated hasn't been helping, either. it's a good thing i'm off work until january 2nd. hahahahahahah. ug.
it feels like my neck is vibrating
differetn parts of the day today
my hands felt like they were vibrating while i was driving and i'm fairly sure it wasn't the steering wheel what was vibrating.
internet dude mentions 'brain shakes' and i guess i can sort of relate not that i want to entirely.
i felt anxious right after we got to lougheed mall with marty drew joey it was not a good place for me to be
i was really cold up at sfu letting the fish 'go' but it was also just really cold up there.
joey drew and marty all say they're going to help me through this and i know dad will too because we had a good long frank discussion about it weeks ago just me and him one night. about being on meds if you don't NEED to be on meds and etc etc. etc.
hey guess what my horoscope says for today!
Having a concrete plan makes you feel better, but it still may be difficult to turn your ideas into action. Don't be hard on yourself if you cannot yet get the traction you need. You know that the best ideas take time to develop. Remember that you are caught between your optimism and the obstacles you now face. Be patient; it could take another month for things to really take off, once Mars turns direct on January 30.
By Rick Levine
Saturday, December 29, 2007
how come it's sometimes right? heh heh heh
yes definite bodily shakings. well at least it feels so, inside. slightly nauseous. no headache atm!! but worries about loss of vision or affected vision. because i've got problems with depth perception and more than usual worries or problems with using correct vocabulary. i'm also talking really fast and typing really fast. my eyes are really wide? or feel like they are.
tonight is the henshaw gathering which i WAS so excited about but now not so sure i'm that excited although i am going,,, just because i feel this way and driving is kind of scary and at least i have my ativan but going with drew and me and noone else is ... i'll have to suck it up which i am somewhat partly confident i can do. heh.
so internet expert says times it by 5 for it to get it out of your brain and body and liver and um spleen or something
i type like this because i am i feel manic
okay so basically it's that i against my doctors wishes decided to taper off my celexa meds because her theory is that it can't hurt!! to be on it the rest of my goddamned life!!!!! and my theory is PBBTH that.
she says that in the past year i've had several relapses into depression/anxiety and i say well yes let's see, my son was born and i had PPD... my mother died... so did my uncle. my grandfather was in the hospital for much of 2007... NO SHIT I'VE FELT DEPRESSED
but the idea is
i have TOOLS now
um
to deal with depression: i know it's temporary and won't last forever and
to deal with anxiety: " and also tools like breathing, perspective, outside, photography reading sharing talking. and ativan heh. if needed.
our internet guy who says the website to SAFELY STOP TAKING CRAZY MEDS says oh yeah i already wrote about that above. the 5 times thing. well he also says to track your symptoms, and about.com or something mentions SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome and I'm certainly experiencing part of that. let's see:
2 nights ago i started taking the smaller of half of half a tablet (plus one whole one still) [my dosage was 30mg/day which is one and one-half tablet] and i had been taking the larger (pill splitter is not exact splittage in half) one for since perhaps, saturday the 22nd. or so? today being the 29th of course. anyway i started to feel some familiar weirdness yesterday, but last night i -really- started to feel it especially the anxiety part of it and went to bed at 9:30 for reals after putting drew down and accidentally falling asleep somewhere after 8:30pm.
marty 'let' me sleep in and i had already been having disturbingsomewhat dreams but i still ended up sleeping (for escape i think) until almost noon! too much sleep, definitely.
then i had 2 cups of 'starbucks' (home) coffee which i'm sure didn't help. plus i had coffeee last night too. maybe also being somewhat constipated hasn't been helping, either. it's a good thing i'm off work until january 2nd. hahahahahahah. ug.
it feels like my neck is vibrating
differetn parts of the day today
my hands felt like they were vibrating while i was driving and i'm fairly sure it wasn't the steering wheel what was vibrating.
internet dude mentions 'brain shakes' and i guess i can sort of relate not that i want to entirely.
i felt anxious right after we got to lougheed mall with marty drew joey it was not a good place for me to be
i was really cold up at sfu letting the fish 'go' but it was also just really cold up there.
joey drew and marty all say they're going to help me through this and i know dad will too because we had a good long frank discussion about it weeks ago just me and him one night. about being on meds if you don't NEED to be on meds and etc etc. etc.
hey guess what my horoscope says for today!
Having a concrete plan makes you feel better, but it still may be difficult to turn your ideas into action. Don't be hard on yourself if you cannot yet get the traction you need. You know that the best ideas take time to develop. Remember that you are caught between your optimism and the obstacles you now face. Be patient; it could take another month for things to really take off, once Mars turns direct on January 30.
By Rick Levine
Saturday, December 29, 2007
how come it's sometimes right? heh heh heh
yes definite bodily shakings. well at least it feels so, inside. slightly nauseous. no headache atm!! but worries about loss of vision or affected vision. because i've got problems with depth perception and more than usual worries or problems with using correct vocabulary. i'm also talking really fast and typing really fast. my eyes are really wide? or feel like they are.
tonight is the henshaw gathering which i WAS so excited about but now not so sure i'm that excited although i am going,,, just because i feel this way and driving is kind of scary and at least i have my ativan but going with drew and me and noone else is ... i'll have to suck it up which i am somewhat partly confident i can do. heh.
cuz i'm a dullard
maybe (HURP?) d wanted to be my not-quite-boyfriend-but-boyfriend until i found a female relationship.
Saturday, May 21, 2016
Ph gon die
21%
At XY lol y did I think it would be a bi club by its name hez u dumb forgetful shit
Fuck
But good talks even tho they're hard glad we're having them.
I'm nervous
Going there. That we'll be bored. That he'll be annoyed with me not being enough I don't know, interactive. Divulgey. I'm gonna try. Maybe he's gonna break up with me. That'd almost be a relief.
Been talking myself down the whole walk down the mountain. And trying to talk myself up. Now I'm on the skytrain.
I'm nervous
Going there. That we'll be bored. That he'll be annoyed with me not being enough I don't know, interactive. Divulgey. I'm gonna try. Maybe he's gonna break up with me. That'd almost be a relief.
Been talking myself down the whole walk down the mountain. And trying to talk myself up. Now I'm on the skytrain.
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Sunday, May 15, 2016
Saturday, May 14, 2016
So we were
Shopping all day. Just fine now. Not sure if actually going out tonight. If so, because it's in burnaby I may have to go home after.
...
Just take it as it is Heather.
Why such, hormones?
I see you
As I fall apart
---
You don't need me for anything
---
I
Stay me. Strongly. Absolutely
Ask me if I'm happy
I tell you what
---
I said yeah. He said he's okay.
But you can't squeeze it out of someone. Not that I'm feeling sorry for myself. Just like perspective. Just stay you. Unapologetically. !
Friday, May 13, 2016
Sittin on a curb
Waiting for Brian. Is better than sitting in front of his building I feel.
Feeling a tad nervous about tomorrow - spending entire day together. What if I bore him? I'll just try to be as openly me as possible. Thought of some things I could tell him about throughout the week but right now, they've flown from my mind.
I just want to lay in his arms.
The water I dumped on me when the skytrain stopped suddenly is drying.
My hair is clean and soft.
Ooh he's off the skytrain now. That was fast!
Wish (who?) me luck!
Monday, May 2, 2016
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